Um, I don't actually, um, post here, and I don't think I know seven people ON here, anymore.... so here goes!
A. List seven habits/quirks/facts about yourself. --------------------------------------------------------------------
When I'm talking on the phone, I pace.
When I am on a tiled or wood floor with a pattern, I put my feet... oh man, this is silly. Okay, you know how floors are usually set up like a checkerboard, with the grain running horizontally, then vertically, horizontally, then vertically? I put my feet in line with the grain. I do not even think about this. It looks like this (imagine the lines are my feet):
_ |_ |
...don't judge me.
I hate raspberries (that thing people do with their lips on skin, not the fruit) more than just about anything.
I hate raisins (the fruit this time) slightly more.
I am always stacking things so that the smallest thing is on top (think pyramid) or so that smaller things fit inside larger things. Just now, I stacked this pile of coins on my desk so that they made kind of a cone. If the stack of plates in my cabinet is not correctly stacked, I fix it.
Fuck it, I admit it, I'm a little obsessive compulsive.
Jacksonville/ St. Augustine people and people getting absentee ballots from Jacksonville/ St. Augustine:
Write in my dad (Robert J. Irons) for County Commisioner for District 4 (the one where there is only one dude - a Republican - on the ballot). He is a cool guy and not an idiot. I believe that he can do this job.
Seriously, I want to see if this is something that could happen.
So, I love my roommate/coworker/hetero life partner Kristy. Have I told you that I am marrying her in the fictional future? Because I so am. As Daniel says, "Man, seeing Kristy every day is so much better than not seeing Kristy every day." She is so adorable and unexpectedly clever, you guys have no idea.
Speaking of Daniel, I had an epiphany today! It doesn't actually matter that he gets all stressed out and mopey and downright mean a third of the time. It doesn't actually matter that no matter how nice I am, or how much I try to help him, or how often I cook food for him so he has less to worry about he is still mopey and stressed out and dowright mean. Even though every other year this freaks me out and makes me miserable, it doesn't need to anymore, because I am actually pretty cool and he actually thinks so too and in a couple months he'll be less stressed and thank me for putting up with him. Actually he is already doing that part.
It is astounding to realize that I have something that is stable enough to last through times that are bad. I mean, it has lasted through loads of times that were downright awful, and I still think Daniel is just about the most wonderful person I've ever known, and he still grins at me like I am up on some sort of pedestal that really can't possibly exist after all this time. I only just realized that our relationship is not, like previous relationships I have had, balancing on a thin wire of any sort. It is what it is, it will last as long as it lasts, and it does not need to be constantly evaluated as in the high school days. How did this happen? It is wonderful. It is like the day I realized what having "sweat dripping into your eyes" actually meant, except way less painful and way more "wow!"
On to other things! A couple days ago I had a fear. Actually a gut wrenching heart pounding blown completely out of proportion fear. Then yesterday my fear was abated, and now all of a sudden it is back. With a force, although I am realizing that it doesn't need to be important and am trying to explain this to the parts of me that are currently acting like deer in headlights.
What is the name for the feeling where you think someone is great and kind of miss them but also sort of want them to get hit by a truck? And why do I feel this for so many people right now? I'll tell you why: because the people I have called my best friends SUCK. I am an awful best friend chooser, I pick my best friends based entirely on my admiration for them and based very little on their actual skills at not being terrible people. So now I'm stuck loving these people who do nothing but cause me pain through their own selfishness.
While I tell myself that I hope Robin never calls again and needs something because then I will open myself up to being inevitably snubbed and wounded once again, what I am really hoping is that Robin - and the others like her - have such awesome and amazingly wonderful lives that they never need me or need to hurt me. And I can say "Yeah, I knew them way back in the day. Of course I knew they would end up so incredibly rich/famous/utterly happy. Dear baby Jesus in heaven, NO, I do not want to talk to them."
I feel very disconnected from everyone and it's awful. I'm sitting here, in this bizarre town we all went to high school in, and everyone else feels so far away. Most of those who are still my friends ARE so far away. I'm lonely.
Whatever, I'll deal. No one likes an emo kid. But listen, if anyone is around the Jacksonville area for the next couple of weeks and is feeling bored, let me know; I am too.
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krakkagar's journal
lonely